A Normal Day In The Wiarding World
by phoenixphire93
Summary: REALLY RANDOM! unrealated One shots that are based on humor and come out parodies! all different ratings! so watch out kids! many charactors but hermione will mostlikely star in many! please review!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey there! Random thought floating around after reading some fanfiction! Inspiration comes from Hermione adopted fics. Hope you like it. Like I said REALLY RANDOM! Review please!!**

**Disclaimer: characters belong to J.K Rowling and I am not sure who chuck Norris belongs to.**

**Rating: T**

**Setting: Hogwarts**

_**Mudblood**_

"Sweetie, there is something that you should know before you board the train to Hogwarts…" Mrs Granger said to her only daughter and the face of Muggle-born witches at Hogwarts, Hermione Granger. They were still sitting in the car outside the train station that 'Mione would soon be entering and also entering her world. Hermione wanting a clean getaway from the tears and declarations of love overflowing her mother's mouth was inching towards the door readying her to run.

"Sure mum! What is it?" Her hand moves to the handle that opens the door.

"Well hunny, I don't know how to say this… its quite a lot to take in as I am sure you know… well you don't know, but the point is that you would… and you know I love you with all my heart… and just cause your dad isn't here doesn't mean he doesn't love you….it's just…." Mrs Granger blubbers about, while Hermione grows impatient very quickly.

"WHAT IS IT MUM??" she yelled trying to get her mother to get it out.

"YOU'RE ADOPTED!" Mrs Granger equally shouted loudly making passing people look at them – strangely.

This was not what Hermione had expected to hear, and so she was shocked speechless. Professor Snape would have been singing Church Hymns to 'Praise the Lord' for something so unnatural to happen to the 'spewing dictionary'.

"What the Fu—udge?" she cleaned her words up just in time as she saw her 'mother's' disapproving glare.

"Look it's time to go. Just know that were not your real parents, you're a pure blood, and that we love you! Have a great year at school!" And Mrs Granger finished cheerfully then proceeded to push her 'daughter' out of the car and drive off with the wheels making a rather loud squeak!

Hermione picked herself off the foot path on which she fell on her arse, and wiped the dust of her clothes. All that was going through her head as she made her way to platform 9 ¾ was that she, Hermione Granger Know-It-All extraordinaire was not a Mudblood.

Through the barrier, Hermione was then surrounded by her friends. Harry being Harry, who often had instincts in his gut and sometimes lower, knew that, his best friend was secretly shocked inside.

"What's up Mione?" Harry asked impatiently, because he had a secret of his own. He had recently wanted to become a cowboy, and he had just got the hat, boots and leather underwear. So far in his books, life was pretty sweeeet.

"I'm pureblood" she said before she realised she said it. _Well_ _no point in lying now, is there big mouth? __**Shut up, I am not a big mouth!**__ Yes you are! __**No I am not!**__ Yeps! __**No ways bro**__! Face it you are and you are also losing your mind! __**Am not!**__ Are too! __**Am not!**__ You're fighting with yourself! __**Point proven…**_ Hermione's eternally dialogue showing on her face but not realising it, made her friends look at her like she was loopy and recently joined the Luna Club.

"Soo… you're not a mudblood?" Ron asked, like the complete egotistical insensitive brat that he truly was. It was on in the recent months that he had started calling himself The Ron and smiled a smile that resembled Lockhart's at anybody, really. It had been a pathetically sad year at Hogwarts, last year.

"No you red head dolt! I'm not and that was never a nice word!" Hermione chastised him and Ron just merely shrugged, looked at his reflection in the train window and got on the train.

Once they were all seated in a compartment on the train, with Harry shifting around in his seat trying to find a comfortable position, as his leather western underwear was chafing, she then proceeded to tell the others about her story. By the end her friends were hanging onto her every word of how cruel her 'parents' were, and she decided she liked the attention. That was until the Question started coming from everywhere.

"So Hermione, got no more mud in ya blood, ay?" Neville the Idiot asked because he thought he was kool. He wasn't. He had a secret crush on The Ron and tried to match him in the personality department.

"No Neville, it isn't." Hermione ground out deadpanned. The other's just nodded in a 'oh, well that's lovely…' sort of way. Suddenly the doors burst open and the Snake Gang slithered through. They really walked, but they threatened people they came across with biting them if they said that the Gang would do something normal. Whatever. The Gang consisted of Twiddle- Dumb and Twiddle- Dumber and Tall, Blonde and Obnoxious who happened to be Mr Draco Malfoy.

"Hello, Captain Scarface, Pop Goes the Weasel and Slutty Mudblood. Pity the summer is over, I was getting really good at gluing my hair to my head with something slimy like the gel I use. The Young Bald look really makes me look sexy don't you think?" Draco flashed a smile, that daddy's money had fixed and whitened and for little extra on the side, sparkled when put at a certain angle.

"It's Sergeant Scarface to you! I am a cowboy! Can nobody see that?!" Harry whined, clearly not happy that no one could see he had an awesome hat.

"For the last time Malfoy, it's The Ron! Gee's, I know I am god, but you can remember the name can't you?" Ron said, angry that the phrase was not being used how he had envisioned it. He then proceeded to sink into his fantasy land where there was a wizard amusement park named after him.

"I am a pureblood. I was adopted. I am just like you…" Mione trailed off cringing wishing that she wasn't anything like the boy who was really a girl without the necessary anatomy.

''Really? Not so bloody muddy are you?" Draco started snickering at his very poor joke that he thought was hilarious. He had a rather big head, but a very small brain. Pity.

"… Guess not." Hermione groaned as she looked out the window. If people kept asking this question she would become psycho and would properly scare Voldemort. She could feel it under her skin. Awkward silence fell and remained that way until the train arrived in Hogsmeade. The 7th year students slowly made their way out the train.

Along the path that went up to the school the young girl was greeted by Hagrid. He was a kind soul as long as nobody touched his Muggle Barbies. They were his precious, and often when stressed he would take out a comb and start brushing the doll's hair.

"Hermione, hows ya summer goin'? Everthin' alrigh'?" the half giant asked.

Hermione silently sighed and launched into the story, while wondering if she sounded like a broken record. She sure as hell felt like one.

"Soo… No dirt pourin' outta ya veins now aye?" he said with a slight chuckle. Mione's blood was boiling, to the point that there was a small popping noise in her wrist. People didn't think this was possible. What can I say? Hermione is special.

"No Hagrid I am not a Mudblood!" she said in an extremely angry voice, startling those around them. Hermione quickly walked up the path swearing she was going to hex the next person to say anything about a mudblood. She avoided anybody who she knew and walked into the castle really fast. She got as far as the Great Hall before anybody asked about her blood.

She felt sorry for Lavender, really really really deep down. But the girl had it coming ever since last year when she had taken her crush away. She simply mumbled the word "Mudblood" under her breath before Hermione whipped out her wand and curse her with acne, baldness and having very stained teeth that were the orange colour of Cheezels. She really looked disgustingly ugly, and when she went to The Ron to complain, he simply screamed like a girl and said that she was trying to give him 'the ugly bug' like some sort of disease. This scene lifted Mione's spirit a little but not much.

So it was rather unfortunate that Professor Albus Dumbledore came to talk to our new head girl at that very moment. It was this moment that would go down in Hogwarts A History forevermore. The old man, slightly more kooky and a lot more paranoid about dark lords and their evil bidding *cough*The Ministry of Magic *cough* that when inquiring about her summer and Hermione telling him, he ran screaming through the tables that she was a "MUDBLOOD TRAITOR!!" and promptly tripped on a table's edge and fell on top of Mrs Norris who was really Chuck Norris in disguise, with a loud "Meeeoooowww!!"

Hermione, whose mental sanity was being tested all day, broke and she let out a hysterical laughter that truly had an evil component to it. She dropped to the floor, holding her sides in pain, because she couldn't stop laughing. In the end she had to be knocked out so she could breathe. Ouch, her head would properly hurt tomorrow.

In the end, Hermione Granger was transported to St. Mungo's for the Permanently Insane as she would constantly giggle. She had the street name of Giggling Granger. She was the new circus freak for a while. Pity she doesn't remember it; something to do with being insane. And as for Albus Dumbledore, well he went to Azkaban for animal cruelty. It took Mr Filch a lot of guts to testify against him and a soaked lace hanky, but he had to do it for Mrs Norris and all other abused creepy cats everywhere.

Really, it was just another day in the Wizarding World.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello! Please forgive me for this! This goes where it should never go and please don't hate me for it! review and tell me what you think haha. This is a product of tot much sugar in the system! Right as I have continued with the Another day.. thing there will be more, not quite like this if its bad. Each will have different ratings and characters. So tell me what you think. REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! EVEN IF BAD which I apologise for! Ok**

**Disclaimer: everything goes to J.K Rowling and OMOVIES I think even tho I don't think they want to claim them here. **

**Rating: M**

**Characters: Snape and Harry**

**Setting: Hogwarts **

_**What a potion can Do**_

It all started on a moggy day over s in Scotland or somewhere, who really knows. Severus Snape, Potions Master, Former Death Eater, Order of the Phoenix member and Super Sexy Beast, just got down from the rafter where he slept. See at Hogwarts (Which evidently was named after a witch that the founding members all screwed back then as she had warts all over her face from the Wizarding STD) there were rumours that the _adored_ potions master was a vampire or the 'Bat of the Dungeons'. He actually wasn't a vampire and he wouldn't suck the students' blood (eww dunderhead cooties!) but what they didn't know, was that Snape secretly aspired to be a vampire. He had seen one when he was in preschool, attacking his teacher, and while other people were rushing off to try and help he sat there thinking how much he wanted to be like that when he grew up. But alas, Severus was not always a Super Sexy Beast and the vampires tended to go for the fabulous looking ones just like in every vampire movie and book *cough* Twilight *cough*. Pity really, all he wanted was to walk around dead!

So Severus got up that morning and as the sun shone through the window into his eyes he hissed and ran to hide behind the corner so the sun wouldn't 'Burn Him'. He made a run to the bathroom in his cliché Slytherin green boxer shorts when he was stopped in his tracks by the floo and Dumbledore arriving. Now normally seeing Professor Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, Order of Merlin first class, Order of the Phoenix member and Past the Expiration Date, was perfectly fine, only this time the old man was butt naked and seemed half asleep. In showing signs of his going mind (which quite possible went 60 years ago…) he scratched his arse cheeks and then proceeded to pee on the carpet in front of Severus. Now Severus had seen a lot of things in his time but nothing as disturbing as that. He was considering burning out his eyes, when Dumbledore stoped, Scratched his face and turned and went back through the floo. It was right then and there that Severus knew that it was not going to be a good day.

In the other side of the Castle, drooling onto his pillow while Molly Weasley slowly undressed while pole dancing in his dreams, was Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, the Saviour of the Wizarding World, best friend of Ron and Hermione and also known in the streets as H-Piddy. He was woken by his alarm alerting him that he had better get up and get breakfast or else there would be problems. After rushing through his morning routine that consisted of staring at himself in the mirror and winking at his reflection while saying things like "Aren't you a handsome tiger?!! I'd tap that!" he so hates when his 'Me time' is interrupted. Hogwarts had implemented a program, when it had seemed that too many students was missing breakfast and then getting bad grades due to concentration issues. There was a large poster hanging in the great hall with the words "Break the Fast and Last" with a picture of Professor McGonagall winking in what she thought was a seductive way. You see, the program was you either eat breakfast or have to french the professor. Needless to say, much to McGonagall's disappointment, everyone ate a hearty breakfast.

When Harry entered to sit down he saw that his friends were already there. Ron was going through a faze where he thought that one of the quidditch teams were the best thing in the whole entire world. He kept wearing the shirt while he ate, slept, work out in and just generally wore ALL the time. It was a deep brown in colour, which was disgusting when it was pure white when he bought it just six weeks before. Hermione on the other hand, was sick of being the responsible, boring one and was now into the bondage chic theme. She was wearing tight leather pants that made her ass look big and a vest that her boobs nearly fell out of. It was safe to say that every guy's attention was on her including the teachers. Let's just say when she went to help out Hagrid, she really went down there to 'Help Him Out'.

The very first class that day was double Potions with the Greasy Git. No one was looking forward to it. It was much worse than Voldemort, which surprisingly Harry didn't have to kill as he killed himself. There was something very scaring about a Naked Dumbledore and Hagrid drunkenly Cancan across the front lawn as the death eaters began to invade. What was ironic was that he used a Muggle contraption called a shot gun. It was very anticlimactic, funny that.

They were seated and talking quietly not wanting to upset the professor as he seemed to appear at the most weirdest times. Severus came crashing through the door in a pile of limbs. He stood up, brushed himself off and tried to take back his dignity, yet it simply didn't work as he flicked his fringe and walked down the corridor to the front of the classroom in a Muggle Runway style. He got to the front and used his eyes to glare at every single person before writing what was today's assignment on the board.

"Love Potion, why do we need to learn that?" asked Hermione, who was secretly making 'Sexy Eyes' at Goyle. He was her latest crush, with the roundness of his hands and the fact he couldn't read turned her on soo much.

"So that you recognise what it looks like and for the desperate witches, how to make It." he said as three quarters of the female population eyes lit up.

"Now follow the directions and you will be fine." He said as he sat down in his chair and flicked through a dirty magazine simply 'Reading the articles'. It was half and hour before he got up and started to make his rounds, the Slytherins as usual were useless, but surprisingly Neville hadn't blown up the caldron. It appears that anything sappy he could do, who would have thought. As Severus was passing the caldron of Mr Potter, Harry suddenly added too much of one of the ingredients, making it blow up with pink sticky goo landing all over the class and the professor. The professor quickly used his wand to clean up the mess before it seeped through to the skin, but when he looked up to Harry he noticed that it was already too late for the boy. Large girly eyes looked back at him.

Snape then turned to the desk next to him and noticed that everyone had paired up including Granger and Goyle eating each other's faces on his desk. Oh how Severus hated teenagers! He started to bang his head on the desk next to him, hoping that it would kill him. It was only when Harry started making kissy -kissy noises at him did he realise what had happened. Potter was under the influence of the love potion with the target being him. Harry was in love with the snarky professor. Severus slowly backed up to the wall with Harry stalking like a predator towards him on four legs trying to pull off a sexy tiger with loud "Meows" being heard. The rest of the class didn't care, half of them were getting laid by someone and the other half slowly getting there with whatever took their fancy. No one later that day, could get the picture of Lavender Brown and a stirring rod out of their heads. She always did like potions.

Harry had finally back Snape up to the wall when the Professor kicked him in the balls and ran out. He forgot to grab his wand in the scuttle of harry trying to grab Severus' 'Wand'. This of course would lead to trouble. Snape ran as fast as he could towards the Main Hall because he thought someone would be there to help him. He ran like a girl in 3 inch heels going after a half price Gucci bag and was surprisingly fast or fast enough to beat Harry there by 2 minutes which was spent waiting for Potter to show up, while having a cup of tea with McGonagall and discussing just why Trelawney was sour with Firenze, but that's what happens when you're fates one night stand. While wrapping up his tea he saw Harry come up the stairs puffing still trying to pull off the tiger move that nobody should ever do, and I mean nobody!

Severus ran into the Hall where Albus was waiting for him looking tiredly at his watch. He really wanted to see the Oprah special and was hoping this would move along, but weren't we all.

"Albus, how do I make it stop??" he asked his mentor desperately.

Albus who was looking for a show and knew the potion would wear off within 3 minutes, thought he would get some entertainment out of it. God only knows why people think he was nice, I mean there were rumours about a pensieve being passed around about Dumbledore getting Freaky with Tom Riddle. That apparently what started the war really. One night stands just don't work kids, didn't with the big eyed bug and didn't with the Dark Lord Wonder. Why did you think he was so nifty with his wand. Anyways.

"You must kiss him for a full minute." He replied with the damn twinkle in his eye "Or he will stay that way PERMANETLY!" He boomed the last word so it echoed throughout the castle leaving the occupants asking "did you hear that?"

Severus couldn't handle forever with the Chosen One! He had a date with Hermione to 'Help with Potions Study' later and he couldn't have Harry around for that. That was Severus Snape's Thang. So he bravely faced the loved up harry that was currently showing a scrapbook of what their kids would look like, all ten of them. He had rose petals that he also through in the air as he twirled around. It was an odd sight to see.

Sev, slowly walked up to Harry, determination showed on his face. He reached for Harry's face and slowly puckered up and kissed him finally. Everyone in the hall just watched either amused or very much grossed out. Slow music with a good beat slowly filled the area as the camera twirled around them slowly capturing every angle, so Albus could play it over and over again to embarrass them. Harry finally waking up when the 3 minutes were up noticed he was being kissed by the Greasy Git and then pulled away to spew all over the hall. He would never be the same again.

Severus was very relieved after an extremely hard day and went off to search for Hermione.

Filch the squib who was subjected to it all just stood there and stared for a bit, then shook himself to see if Mrs Norris was free to 'Patrol the Corridor'.

To him, it was just another Normal day in the Wizarding world.


End file.
